My 4-year-old lost his favorite stuffed animal today, a floppy elephant named Ellie.

He sat dejectedly on the couch a little while after we got home. My husband sat down next to him and asked him how he was feeling.

“I miss Ellie.”

“Aww, man,” said my husband. There was a pause, then he asked our son again how he was feeling, going through specific, named emotions that time. Our son responded “no” to each one.

After a bit, my husband asked again, “What are you feeling right now?”

“No feelings.”

And after another pause, our son added, “Maybe someone will find her and bring her to our house.” Continue reading →

It was a typical Sunday.

We were at church. I was volunteering with the 1-year-olds, which I do about once a month.

The service ended and parents started trickling in to pick up their kids as me and the other volunteers started cleaning up and putting away the randomly-strewn toys.

Jeff popped his head in the door and with atypical impatience asked, “Have you looked at your phone?” Continue reading →

And just like that, we wind down the last 3 weeks before our baby girl turns 1. Where did the year go?

I’ve started writing posts a number of times in the last year and just never finished one. Not one. I always feel compelled to go back and fill in all the details. (I’m super detail-oriented, for those who don’t know me.)

Tonight I asked my husband, “How do I even begin to catch up my blog?” His response: “You start where you are. You do not need to tell a linear story.” This from a man for whom storytelling is his life. He’s basically forbidden me from telling a linear story. “Just write.” Continue reading →

Like many of you, I am waiting for Part 2 of my husband’s YouTube video documenting the adoption of our daughter. If you haven’t seen Part 1, you can check it out here:

In the meantime, that’s not the sole reason I haven’t written a post since baby girl’s arrival. She is 1 month old already, after all.

Mostly, it’s just been life. Continue reading →

I don’t know where to begin recounting events of the last few days.

We are currently almost 2,000 miles from home after getting a call 3 days ago with another birth mother match. Only this time, the birth mother was already in labor.

We had a lot of things we had to weigh before making a decision on whether or not to accept the match. And the clock was ticking as a baby made its way into the world more than halfway across the country.

That was only the beginning.

The short story is… Continue reading →

Adoption efforts with our current birth mother have ended.

We found out yesterday that she reached out to the previous family and agency she’d been working with before us (I mentioned that situation in this post). She fed all the same lies to them about us that she said to us about them.

She also supposedly has a new due date of 11/17, though she can’t (won’t) provide evidence of this.

So Jeff and I are done. We walked away yesterday.

This is where I feel like I can be real. Continue reading →

I went to the dentist today for a routine cleaning, and they almost wouldn’t treat me.

In the event anyone has been doubting the level of stress I’m feeling, I now have numbers to prove it.

Before my cleaning, the hygienist strapped a device onto my wrist to take my blood pressure. I don’t remember ever having my blood pressure taken at the dentist before, but I’m glad they did it today.

The first reading was 145/102.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a reading that high. The hygienist was slightly taken aback. “Let’s try that again, on the other arm this time.” She walked away while it did its thing. Continue reading →

I am currently a walking open nerve on the verge of either vomiting or bursting into tears at every given moment.

I don’t even know how to begin recapping what’s been happening since my last post. We got the call with a match two weeks ago today, yet it feels like a lifetime ago.

For starters, I need to stop prophesying my own story.

I wrote, “…here’s the latest as of this moment. Just know it could have further developed by the time you are reading this.”

Literally 3 minutes after I uploaded that post, I got a call from our caseworker.

“Birth mom showed up on one of the scam boards.” Continue reading →

You know how people say there’s no such thing as “sort of pregnant”?

Well, that’s actually kind of fitting in an adoption scenario.

It has been a crazy, interesting, exciting, scary, and emotional last few days.

Every time I sit down to work on this post, I get a call or an email or a text with a further development. I almost feel like I should be tweeting the blow-by-blow. But I’m not a Twitterer.

Anyway, here’s the latest as of this moment. Just know it could have further developed by the time you are reading this.

We got a call last Thursday evening with another birth mother match. Continue reading →

So what do you do to get back on track when your adoption process has been completely derailed? Here’s what’s been happening the last couple weeks.

We’ve pretty much moved past what happened to us. It will always be a part of our story now, but there’s not much we can do or accomplish by dwelling on it.

My tears have long since dried up, and our friends and family have been incredibly generous with their support of our GoFundMe campaign.

We hadn’t quite ironed out with our agency what, if any, parameter changes we wanted to make to our adoption criteria. In the meantime, we agreed to them continuing to present us to potential birth mothers knowing we could always say no to a match that didn’t feel like a right fit. Continue reading →