Something’s gotta give

I went to the dentist today for a routine cleaning, and they almost wouldn’t treat me.

In the event anyone has been doubting the level of stress I’m feeling, I now have numbers to prove it.

Before my cleaning, the hygienist strapped a device onto my wrist to take my blood pressure. I don’t remember ever having my blood pressure taken at the dentist before, but I’m glad they did it today.

The first reading was 145/102.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a reading that high. The hygienist was slightly taken aback. “Let’s try that again, on the other arm this time.” She walked away while it did its thing.

“Uh oh, that’s not any better,” I nervously laughed and said when I saw the second reading was 159/105.

“Hmmm… we don’t normally treat if that bottom number is over 100. Let’s wait 5 minutes and try again. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, imagine you’re at the beach… whatever would help you relax.”

I tried my best.

Five minutes later, the third reading came in at 147/103.

She had to go talk to the dentist and get an okay to proceed with the cleaning. Both of them explained the risk of those kind of numbers to me (heart attack, stroke, etc.), and I was given a medical release form that I have to get completed by a doctor and returned to their office before they will treat me for anything further.

There is still no sign or word of a baby.

Birth mom has cut off communication with our caseworker, for a multitude of reasons. However, she is still in touch with us. Or shall I say, me.

I am now the point person.

She is now a week past her original due date. We still don’t have medical records. I feel like we’re walking on egg shells so as not to put her on the defense. And I am the sole person responsible for keeping in touch, trying to stay on her good side, being positive, not asking too much or too little…

Meanwhile, I feel like I’m dying a slow, agonizing death waiting to know what the outcome of this whole scenario is going to be.

No, I’m not stressed at all.

I’m not good at faking positivity and optimism when I’m not feeling it.

The fact is, I feel completely beaten and defeated by this whole thing. I just want it to be over. I want to know once and for all if we are getting a baby or not, so at least we’ll have an answer and I can move on with my life.

This hanging in the waiting is killing me.

And obviously taking a toll on my health.

So I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow.

I definitely want to get the high blood pressure checked out. And maybe they can help with the stress too. All I know is I’ve got to do something.

I don’t like the lack of patience I have with my son right now. I feel completely distracted when I’m with Jeff or with friends. Yet at the same time, I welcome the distractions.

I’m definitely going to need therapy when this is all over.

Our caseworker suggested I ask if I can take birth mom to lunch this week, to show our commitment and continued investment, and so everything isn’t always about the baby or the pregnancy. So I offered, and birth mom accepted.

The thought of meeting with her by myself, when she’s so upset about a lot of things, just increases my levels of stress and anxiety. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m secretly hoping she cancels, like she has most of the previous meetings scheduled with us or anyone else.

In the meantime, I’ll take any and all recommendations for stress relief.

Because right now, I feel like there is no end in sight.

2 thoughts on “Something’s gotta give

  1. I wish I had the magic formula to lift you up and carry you through this incredibly stressful situation. Way out here in Wisconsin, I shared your story with a friend today, and we both shared our hope that you would have a new son or daughter soon. Your blog touches people. Your words inspire empathy, and educate others on this often unknown side of adoption.
    This friend of mine quite suddenly has a one month old daughter. It happened unexpectedly after several failed adoption situations eerily similar to yours. When we ran into each other in the pediatrician’s office today, she looked a little frazzled, bewildered, excited, happy, and yet there was also a layer of apprehension hanging over her like a stubborn cloud. It happened too fast for her to be totally settled and confident that this time, it’s really happening. But it finally is.
    I told her that I was following the blog of a family (yours) that had endured much the same strife in their adoption journey as she had, and that I prayed they (you) would have another child soon. She could only say she “gets it” and will also pray for your baby to find it’s way home to you. She did not have any magic words either, but whereas the last time I saw her, she was committed to giving up her journey (too heartbreaking), she now would say, it was worth the agony, and she is glad she stayed the course.
    I want you to find that joy and add to your lovely family. My prayer for you now is that you find a way to manage your stress, as your family needs you, alive and healthy and thriving. I have many ideas about stress management, from my cardiac nursing background – but the best would be mindfulness. That word gets tossed around a lot, but mindfulness is a distinct practice that takes effort to develop. It is worth it though, and many benefits can occur right away when you begin training your mind to attend to all of its feelings and thoughts, in the here and now, to the point where you can choose which ones to focus on (and which ones to acknowledge, but not empower).
    I will continue to keep you in my thoughts, sending positive energy your way and hoping that good news is on the horizon.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story!
    Holly (formerly Weiss)


  2. Pingback: The new normal | Our Family Ever After

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