I went to the dentist today for a routine cleaning, and they almost wouldn’t treat me.

In the event anyone has been doubting the level of stress I’m feeling, I now have numbers to prove it.

Before my cleaning, the hygienist strapped a device onto my wrist to take my blood pressure. I don’t remember ever having my blood pressure taken at the dentist before, but I’m glad they did it today.

The first reading was 145/102.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a reading that high. The hygienist was slightly taken aback. “Let’s try that again, on the other arm this time.” She walked away while it did its thing.

“Uh oh, that’s not any better,” I nervously laughed and said when I saw the second reading was 159/105.

“Hmmm… we don’t normally treat if that bottom number is over 100. Let’s wait 5 minutes and try again. Take some deep breaths, close your eyes, imagine you’re at the beach… whatever would help you relax.”

I tried my best.

Five minutes later, the third reading came in at 147/103.

She had to go talk to the dentist and get an okay to proceed with the cleaning. Both of them explained the risk of those kind of numbers to me (heart attack, stroke, etc.), and I was given a medical release form that I have to get completed by a doctor and returned to their office before they will treat me for anything further.

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There is still no sign or word of a baby.

Birth mom has cut off communication with our caseworker, for a multitude of reasons. However, she is still in touch with us. Or shall I say, me.

I am now the point person.

She is now a week past her original due date. We still don’t have medical records. I feel like we’re walking on egg shells so as not to put her on the defense. And I am the sole person responsible for keeping in touch, trying to stay on her good side, being positive, not asking too much or too little…

Meanwhile, I feel like I’m dying a slow, agonizing death waiting to know what the outcome of this whole scenario is going to be.

No, I’m not stressed at all.

I’m not good at faking positivity and optimism when I’m not feeling it.

The fact is, I feel completely beaten and defeated by this whole thing. I just want it to be over. I want to know once and for all if we are getting a baby or not, so at least we’ll have an answer and I can move on with my life.

This hanging in the waiting is killing me.

And obviously taking a toll on my health.

So I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow.

I definitely want to get the high blood pressure checked out. And maybe they can help with the stress too. All I know is I’ve got to do something.

I don’t like the lack of patience I have with my son right now. I feel completely distracted when I’m with Jeff or with friends. Yet at the same time, I welcome the distractions.

I’m definitely going to need therapy when this is all over.

Our caseworker suggested I ask if I can take birth mom to lunch this week, to show our commitment and continued investment, and so everything isn’t always about the baby or the pregnancy. So I offered, and birth mom accepted.

The thought of meeting with her by myself, when she’s so upset about a lot of things, just increases my levels of stress and anxiety. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m secretly hoping she cancels, like she has most of the previous meetings scheduled with us or anyone else.

In the meantime, I’ll take any and all recommendations for stress relief.

Because right now, I feel like there is no end in sight.